TheTrenchcoat Chronicles

Tag: Humor

  • A Special Trench Reynolds Thanksgiving

    A Special Trench Reynolds Thanksgiving

    If I could be serious for a moment.

    (Lights dim, soft piano music plays)

    We here at The Trench Reynolds Charity Foundation are always looking for ways to help better our community and our country, and this Thanksgiving should be no different. While many of us are scrambling at the last minute to try to get a turkey for our families and coming up empty-handed, I say that we should no longer terrorize the poor turkey.

    As we all know, the turkey would have been our national symbol if Ben Franklin had his way. That makes the turkey an also-ran. A runner-up. A loser. Not to mention that the turkey is a bird so stupid that it will drown if it looks up in a rainstorm. As Americans, is this how we want our holiday feasts to be looked at? Feasting on a sub-par, sub-intelligent, too stupid to live, ugly bird? No, of course not. We’re Americans, we’re all about being the best that we can be. We’re all about being #1. So why would we want to eat an also-ran bird? That’s why my friends I am imploring you as a proud American to start a new Thanksgiving tradition. A tradition where we feast on the noblest and proudest of all birds and PETA be damned…

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  • Live Long and Protest

    Live Long and Protest

    If I had the time and resources and if I were a total geek, I would make one of the greatest satire sites ever, if it hasn’t already been done. I would take a Star Trek slant on the current war on terror.

    There would be Intergalactic A.N.S.W.E.R. who would try to tell us that the Romulans are just a poor and oppressed people. EngageOn.org, who would say that we have no business being in the Neutral Zone and accuse the current President of the United Federation Of Planets of being controlled by a Ferengi dilithium crystal mining company.

    And my personal favorite, “Shuttle Captains for the Truth”. A previously unheard of ensign actually survives an away mission. He receives a commendation for being injured in battle, but the truth is he just scratched himself with his communicator. When he’s discharged from Star Fleet after only three months, he speaks out at several rallies in favor of the Borg. Then years later, he tries running for President of the Federation, claiming he singlehandedly defeated the Borg.

  • The Trench Reynolds Charity

    The Trench Reynolds Charity


    If I could get serious for a moment…

    (lights dim and soft music plays)

    My name is Trench Reynolds. And we here at The Trench Reynolds Internet Media Empire start thinking about giving during this time of the year. So we’ve come up with a program to help needy children.

    You see, thousands of inner-city youths do not have proper clothing for winter, nor do they have any training to learn a trade. That’s where we come in.

    For just a small donation of $50, you can send an underprivileged youth on an excursion to Alaska, where they will learn to club baby seals and skin them. They will also be given to know how to make their own coat out of the baby seal skin.

    For a donation of $100, they will be taken on a whaling excursion where they will harpoon their own whale or possibly dolphin.

    And if you become a golden double secret extra crispy member by donating $500, one special child will know the joys of throwing toy poodles into a chipper shredder.

    So please make all checks out to Club All Seals Heavily. Or just use the acronym CASH. So please give today because a live baby seal means a child is without a coat. Thank you.

    The preceding was brought to you by Politically Incorrect Sarcasm Serving Offended Frumpy Families (PISSOFF). Which means this is a joke and don’t send me any hate mail.