TheTrenchcoat Chronicles

Category: Personal

  • The 2007 Trenchie Awards

    I present to you for the 7th year in a row the 2007 Trenchie Awards.

    Best Movie: I really didn’t make it to the theater this year so I’m going by the DVD’s I rented this year that were actually 2006 movies. And the winner is Children of Men. That movie had me on the edge of my um…couch through the entire movie.

    Worst Movie: Following the 2006 DVD principle the loser is Superman Returns. Kevin Spacey was great as Lex Luthor. Brandon Roushe was ok as Superman. Kate Bosworth sucked as Lois Lane. Not to mention there wasn’t enough actual Superman. Next time less talking and more of Superman smashing stuff.

    Best Album: This was a phenomenal year for albums. We had The Dio Years by Black Sabbath, Dead Again by Type O Negative, and United Abominations by Megadeth. However, the album that got the most play time in My Zen was Framing Armageddon by Iced Earth. It’s a shame that IE let Ripper Owens go. No offense to Matt Barlow but Ripper rules.

    Worst Album: Black Rain by Ozzy. No question. It’s like your grandfather trying to act cool.

    Best TV Show: Burn Notice. Again this was the only show that I made sure I was in front of the TV when it was on. Heroes lost out because of their crappy second season. But it wasn’t the worst show. That distinction goes to…

    Worst TV Show: 24. Yeah, you heard me. I brought its jersey back from retirement so I could burn it. I stopped watching once they found the nukes because I could not have cared less about Jack getting Audrey back.

    Best Wrestling Moment: A rather lackluster year but I have to give it to the return of Y2J. I was hoping he would go to TNA but Jericho on WWE is better than no Jericho at all.

    Worst Wrestling Moment: Chris Benoit.

    Best Videogame: I only bought games for the DS this year. I’m staying away from the next-gen consoles until the prices go way down. And it’s a tie between Puzzle Quest and Front Mission. Both kept me within arm’s length to my DS all year.

    Worst Videogame: Final Fantasy XII. Too long and too boring.

    Dumbass of 2007: Ron Paul supporters. Y’all are a whole bag of crazy.

    Most Inane Political Agenda of 2007: All those like the Rev. Al Sharpton who are trying to get the kidnapping and torture of Megan Williams changed to a hate crime. Ms. Williams was dating one of her captors. Not only that but the scumbags that did that to her will get more time on the kidnapping charge then they would on a hate crime charge.

    Biggest Jackass Celebrity of 2006: Natalie Maines. She jumped on the West Memphis 3 bandwagon to support 3 convicted killers after watching the heavily biased Paradise Lost ‘documentaries’.

    Have a safe and happy Amateur’s Night and hopefully will do this again next year.

  • The 2006 Trenchie Awards

    The 2006 Trenchie Awards

    Back by popular demand, mostly from my wife again, I present to you the 2006 Trenchie Awards.

    Best Movie: Clerks II. I went into this movie with low expectations, but I was extremely surprised by how good it was. I may even dare to say that it’s better than the original, but I know that’s heresy.

    Worst Movie: Since Clerks II was basically the only movie I saw this year, I defer to my wife for this category, and she says that the worst movie of 2006 was a straight to video horror abomination called The Graveyard. When I asked what was wrong with the movie, she said, “Name it and that’s what’s wrong with it.”

    Best Album: No album kicked as much ass this year as the self-titled album from Ripper Owen’s solo project Beyond Fear. Honorable mention goes to Dio’s Holy Diver Live.

    Worst Album: You’d have to try really hard to have a worse album than the disappointing Operation: Mindcrime II by Queensryche. And Iron Maiden did. A Matter of Life and Death has no good songs whatsoever. It should be called A Matter of Suck and Blow.

    Best TV Show: Heroes. It was the one show I made sure that I was home to watch. House had a few missable episodes. If you’re wondering why not 24, it’s because 24’s jersey has been retired to let others have a chance.

    Worst TV Show: CSI. I got hooked on it last season due to my abandonment of Law & Order. Last season was interesting and kept me glued to my seat. This season was boring at best.

    Best Wrestling Moment: I haven’t actually watched a lot of wrestling this year. I mostly only watch TNA. In my opinion, it’s the closest they can get to the original ECW. Anyway, the best moment of the year was when Kurt Angle came to TNA and headbutted Samoa Joe.

    Worst Wrestling Moment: WWE’s continued defiling of Eddie Guererro’s corpse.

    Best Videogame: Suikoden V. A little slow in starting, but once it got underway it had me hooked. The fishing minigame is addictive as hell. The best one since II.

    Worst Videogame: Final Fantasy III. Not a horrible game, but as with most games, it didn’t live up to the hype and wasn’t worth the 15-year wait.

    Dumbass of 2006: All the dumbasses that committed various crimes to get their hands on a PS3. Get a life, people.

    Most Inane Political Agenda of 2006: The Wrong Reverend Fred Phelps who in just one of his may asshatted statements of 2006 said after the Amish school shooting in Pennsylvania his “church” planned to protest the Amish girls’ funerals saying that the Amish “don’t serve God, they serve themselves.”

    Biggest Jackass Celebrity of 2006: The skank party crew of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears. ‘Nuff said.

    That’s it for 2006. I hope to see you here again next year for 2007.

  • On page 42 of the Rolling Stone

    On page 42 of the Rolling Stone

    Yes, it’s true. If you haven’t heard by now, yours truly was interviewed by Sean Woods of Rolling Stone Magazine, and the interview is in the current issue with Borat on the cover.

    It tells the story of how I got started doing this and of my brush with Kimveer Gill. It really is an interesting read, and I’m not saying that just because I’m the subject.

    Mr. Woods also gives a list of what he calls the best crime blogs on the net, including MyCrimeSpace, Steve Huff’s CrimeBlog.us, Mark Gribben’s The Malefactor’s Register, and Kim Cooper’s, Larry Harnisch’s, and Nathan Marsak’s 1947project.

    Steve Huff also gave mention to some of his favorite crime blogs that he felt deserved attention. I’m going to add some more to both of those lists…

    T.O. Crime

    We here in the states are pretty much ignorant of the crime going on in other countries, and we’ve kind of gotten the impression that our friendly neighbors to the north are virtually crime free. Not so says our good friend Harding, who focuses and writes very eloquently about crime in Toronto.

    Crime in Charlotte

    This blog is about the crime happenings in my own town of Charlotte, North Carolina. It is written by a woman who was the victim of crime herself and who is very frustrated about the revolving door policy of the local courts. The Recent Arrests feature, complete with mugshots and arrest records, is my favorite.

    Parents Behaving Badly

    By one of the masters of blogging himself, Jay Allen. This blog focuses on some of the stupid and sometimes downright evil acts parents can perpetrate on their children.

    Bonnie’s Blog of Crime

    Bonnie is a virtual pack rat when it comes to crime news. When a crime story breaks that piques her interest, you can bet that she’ll have all the links you’ll need for that crime.

    Now, this isn’t to say that any of the other blogs on the blogroll are any better or worse. As a matter of fact, all the blogs on the true crime blogroll are worth reading.

    Here are some other mentions about the article:

    1947project

    Media Bistro

    The Rap Sheet.

  • Interview with TheTrench

    Interview with TheTrench

    I want to thank author Sandra Ruttan for conducting an interview with me over at her blog.

  • The 2005 Trenchie Awards

    The 2005 Trenchie Awards

    I wasn’t going to do one this year since the site has become more focused in its subject matter, but by popular demand I bring to you the 5th annual Trenchie awards.

    Best Movie I saw in 2005: Without a doubt, it has to be Sin City, which will probably cause at least one person to stop reading my site. It was the only movie that actually got me out of the house to go see a movie in the theaters.

    Worst Movie I saw in 2005: Strawberry Estates. This was an independent horror film that was absolutely painful to watch. It looks like it was filmed by 13-year-olds with their parents’ video camera. It introduced me to the evil That is Ron Bonk. Jade’s honorable mention was the remake of the Amityville Horror. She said no matter how many times Ryan Reynolds takes off his shirt, she still couldn’t watch that movie all the way through.

    Best Album of 2005: Advance and Vanquish by 3 Inches of Blood. This actually came out in late 2004, but 2005 was not a good year in albums for me and I bought it in 2005, and it’s the album I listened to most in 2005. If you like old school metal like Manowar, you’ll like 3 Inches of Blood.

    Worst Album of 2005: Angel of Retribution by Judas Priest. Maybe there was too much hype leading up to the release of the album where Rob Halford was reunited with Judas Priest, but it was definitely a disappointment. Only two good songs from what should have been the Album of the Year was disappointing.

    Best TV Show of 2005: House. Duh. Honorable mention goes to Bones and How I Met Your Mother.

    Worst TV Show of 2005: Law and Order. The entire franchise. I never liked CI. Regular L&O has gone seriously downhill since Jerry Orbach died. And SVU has been having these inane shows that start off with SVU type crimes and go off into these weird liberal preachy tangents that have nothing to do with SVU crimes.

    Best Wrestling Moment of 2005: The Night Matt Hardy returned unexpectedly to the WWE to attack Edge. Too bad they screwed up the development of the angle from there on out.

    Worst Wrestling Moment of 2005: The death of Eddie Guererro. Vaya Con Dios.

    Best Video game of 2005: Suikoden Tactics. A strategy game from the makers of the RPG series. It kept me addicted for weeks.

    Worst Video game of 2005: Suikoden IV. I’m a huge fan of the series but unless you’re using a cheat disc like Codebreaker, this game was painful to play.

    Dumbass of 2005: All the people who rushed to the gas pumps in the wake of Hurricane Katrina due to fears of a gas crisis. Thanks to you, we actually had a gas crisis for a while.

    Most Inane Political Agenda of 2005: All the “Free Tookie” idiots.

    Biggest Jackass Celebrity of 2005: Like there was any doubt on this one. Between the couch jumping and the personal attack on psychiatry and Brooke Shields, it has to go to Tom Cruise.

    That’s it for 2005 kids. Who knows if there will be a 6th annual awards entry.

  • A story of the south

    A story of the south

    I love living in the south, but the locals know next to nothing about good pizza. They prefer The Hut to most anything else.

    However, a few years ago, some guys from Brooklyn opened a real pizza parlor in my town. I was in there about a year ago when I was waiting in line to pick up my pizzas.

    The guy behind the counter said to a female customer in front of me, “Ok, here are your pies.” The woman said “I didn’t order pies. I ordered pizza.”

    I about fell over trying not to laugh in this woman’s face.

  • Gas Panic

    Gas Panic

    This is the first time and last time you’ll see me talking about gas prices, unless to tell you what some assclown did because of it.

    Now I’m sure this is going on all over the south tonight, but I specifically want to address the people of Charlotte, NC and the surrounding areas who rushed to the gas pumps today because of the downed pipelines in Louisiana…

    *ahem*

    You’re all a bunch of fucking idiots.

    You all panicked, thinking the area was going to run out of gas. So what do you do? You rush to the gas pumps to quicken the depletion. Did you ever think to conserve gas? How about driving less? Maybe not using your car’s air conditioner. No, you didn’t. You bought into the fucking hype. And I really wonder how many of you had an actual urgent need for gas and how many of you still had 3/4 of a tank.

    If Charlotte runs out of gas, it’s your fault.

    Assclowns.

  • The 2004 Trenchie Awards

    The 2004 Trenchie Awards

    It’s the post that I look forward to all year long. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 4th annual Trenchie awards. The best and worst of my year, as voted for by me. Let’s get right to it.

    Best Move I’ve Seen This Year:
    Veronica Guerin. This movie about an Irish journalist is assassinated by drug dealers she wrote about in a series of stories moved me in a way that I’ve never been moved before. I was first made aware of the story by the song “Veronica Guerin” off the Savatage album “Wake of Magellan”. If you get a chance, check out both the movie and the CD.

    Worst Movie I’ve Seen This Year:
    There were a plethora of movies to choose from this year. There was the unspeakable 13th Child, which was supposed to be a horror movie about the legend of the Jersey Devil. I don’t know what that crap was, though.

    Then there was the British indie flick Blood about a girl who was genetically altered to have narcotic blood.

    But the winner/loser has to be Elephant. This movie about a Columbine-like school shooting has to be the most boring piece of crap I’ve ever seen. The critics creamed their jeans over this movie, calling its writer/director Gus Van Sant a genius. As usual, the critics are on crack. It was like having a tooth drilled with no Novocaine for 81 minutes.

    Best Album of the Year:
    This was tough. It was a pretty good year for music. There was Master of the Moon by the metal god that is Dio. There was also Inner Circle by Evergrey. However, this year’s winner took the title early and never let go. It was The Glorious Burden by Iced Earth. Their first album with new vocalist and one-time Judas Priest frontman Tim “Ripper” Owens. A themed album that dealt mostly with the history of war. This album is the definition of metal.

    Worst Album of the Year:
    The Neon God Part 1: The Rise by W.A.S.P. The first part of a concept album released by the lesser of the metal gods Blackie Lawless. While I am a huge fan of the first W.A.S.P. concept album The Crimson Idol, this one just doesn’t even come close. Made me not want to pick up Vol 2.

    Best TV Show of the Year:
    The winner and new champion is House, the medical drama on Fox. It knocked 24 out of the top spot, since season 3 of 24 was all over the map in terms of storyline. House is about a doctor who solves patients diagnoses that other doctors can’t discern. Did I mention that he hates people? My kind of doctor.

    Worst TV Show of the Year:
    I have to give dishonorable mention to The 4400. The concept of that show started out great about 4400 people who were returned to earth after being abducted by aliens through the past 7 decades and returning with no knowledge of them being gone or having aged a day. Then they all started getting SUPERPOWERS. I stopped watching at that point. But the winner/loser has to go to Stephen King’s Kingdom Hospital. This show was so painful to watch. Stephen King should just stick to books.

    Best Wrestling Moment of the Year:
    Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit winning their respective world titles at WrestleMania XX. It showed that popular world champions don’t have to be big, juiced out freaks. Sadly, from what I hear, we’re getting more huge juiced out freaks in the future from Vinny Mac.

    Worst Wrestling Moment of the Year: Apparently the WWE is very tightfisted about allowing people to post pics on the web. Bastards. Anyway, it has to be the Lita/Kane pregnancy angle. Not only was this possibly the worst storyline ever, it may also go down in history as the most offensive. Plus, it’s the angle that put old moon face himself Gene Snitsky on our TVs. That should be reason enough right there.

    Best Video Game of the Year:
    I know what you’re saying. What about Halo? What about San Andreas? I have one word for you. Baaaaaaaaaa. Front Mission 4 from Square-Enix was the most engrossing and addictive game I played all year. It’s a turn-based tactics style game where you battle evil in giant robots armed with giant machine guns, shotguns, and missiles.

    Honorable mention has to go to Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne. A groundbreaking RPG. Instead of saving the world, the world has already been destroyed and you have to survive. My only complaint is that some of the levels are long and boring.

    Worst Video Game of the Year:
    Samurai Warriors by Koei. While Little Jay and I are big fans of the hack and slash Dynasty Warrior series, Samurai Warriors didn’t live up to its predecessors. The incredibly lousy camera angles totally ruined any chance of decent gameplay.

    Best Movie Line of the Year:
    From The Boondock Saints when Rocco fondles the passed out strippers breast. Connor MacManus says”What the fuck are you doing?” Rocco screams, “I’ll tip her”. I’m not doing it justice. See the movie.

    Biggest Dumbass of the Year:
    Bruce Friedrich of PETA, who compared the chickens KFC uses to the time in our country when blacks were used as slaves.

    Most Inane Political Agenda of the Year:
    Remember the woman who refused to have a C-section and ended up killing one of her babies that we lovingly refer to as Scarzilla. Well, at the time of her court appearances pro-death organizations like NOW, NARAL and the ACLU were saying that the prosecutors’ attempt to charge her with murder was somehow a conspiracy against abortion rights.

    Biggest Jackass Celebrity of the Year: My wife gave me the idea for this one. Everyone’s favorite skank ho, Britney Spears. Two marriages, one over in less than 24 hours. The other to a no-name dancer with no prenup while his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child. Going into gas station bathrooms in bare feet. And the list goes on and on. You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.

    That’s it for this year, kids. Have a safe Amateur night.

  • A Special Trench Reynolds Thanksgiving

    A Special Trench Reynolds Thanksgiving

    If I could be serious for a moment.

    (Lights dim, soft piano music plays)

    We here at The Trench Reynolds Charity Foundation are always looking for ways to help better our community and our country, and this Thanksgiving should be no different. While many of us are scrambling at the last minute to try to get a turkey for our families and coming up empty-handed, I say that we should no longer terrorize the poor turkey.

    As we all know, the turkey would have been our national symbol if Ben Franklin had his way. That makes the turkey an also-ran. A runner-up. A loser. Not to mention that the turkey is a bird so stupid that it will drown if it looks up in a rainstorm. As Americans, is this how we want our holiday feasts to be looked at? Feasting on a sub-par, sub-intelligent, too stupid to live, ugly bird? No, of course not. We’re Americans, we’re all about being the best that we can be. We’re all about being #1. So why would we want to eat an also-ran bird? That’s why my friends I am imploring you as a proud American to start a new Thanksgiving tradition. A tradition where we feast on the noblest and proudest of all birds and PETA be damned…

    (more…)
  • The 2003 Trenchie Awards

    The 2003 Trenchie Awards

    To close out the year that sucked much ass, I bring you the 3rd annual Trenchie awards. Pickings were slim this year as I didn’t do a whole lot this year. So let’s get this over with.

    Best Move I’ve Seen This Year: Not a banner year for movies as I’m not a LOTR geek, but I’ll have to give it to 28 Days Later. A nice little twist on the zombie/apocalypse theme.

    Worst Movie I’ve Seen This Year: Highlander: Endgame. You do not kill Connor MacLeod. He is THE Highlander. Blasphemers.

    Best Album of the Year: Life is Killing Me by Type O Negative. I think that’s the best album title ever. Strong album too. A healthy mix of the previous 4 albums.

    Worst Album of the Year: Dance of Death by Iron Maiden. Lame title. Lame cover. Lame album. And I’m a huge Maiden fan. A big disappointment considering how much I liked Brave New World.

    Best TV Show of the Year: 24. Duh.

    Worst TV Show of the Year: The Simple Life. Reality shows suck in general, but does anyone really give a rats ass about these two skanks if their clothes are on?

    Best Wrestling Moment of the Year: When the ring collapsed after Brock Lesnar superplexed The Big Show. Total holy shit moment.

    Worst Wrestling Moment of the Year: When Kane attached jumper cables to Shane O Mac’s balls. I can only suspend my belief in reality for so much.

    Best Video Game of the Year: While other people were shooting up Vice City, I was destroying a major Japanese city in Robotic Alchemic Drive by Enix. I mean, what’s cooler than giant transforming robots destroying cities while they fight each other? It’s a hard game to find, so pick it up if you see it.

    Worst Video Game of the Year: Simpson’s Skateboarding. Another failed attempt in the long line of sucky Simpsons games. Tony Hawk, it ain’t.

    Best Movie Line of the Year: No winner this year. Nothing sticks out in my head as I write this, plus I didn’t see a whole lot of movies this year. Unless you count the beginning of 28 Days Later, when they were experimenting on the monkey and were making it watch violent television while keeping its eyes pried open. I turned to my wife and said…”Heh…Clockwork Banana.”

    Biggest Dumbass of the Year: War protesters. Get a job, you filthy hippies.

    Most Inane Political Agenda of the Year: After missing the mark in 2002 PETA is back in 2003 with PETA complaining that Arab terrorists were using donkeys to deliver suicide bombs. They didn’t care about the people being killed, just the donkeys.

    Biggest Jackass Celebrity of the Year: So many to choose from this year. With Natalie Maines and Jeneane Garafolo coming in a close second, but no one can even touch the jackassery that is Michael Moore. His offenses are too numerous to even try to list here.

    Happy New Year, everyone. I’m off to see the possum drop.