TheTrenchcoat Chronicles

Category: Personal

  • A story of the south

    A story of the south

    I love living in the south, but the locals know next to nothing about good pizza. They prefer The Hut to most anything else.

    However, a few years ago, some guys from Brooklyn opened a real pizza parlor in my town. I was in there about a year ago when I was waiting in line to pick up my pizzas.

    The guy behind the counter said to a female customer in front of me, “Ok, here are your pies.” The woman said “I didn’t order pies. I ordered pizza.”

    I about fell over trying not to laugh in this woman’s face.

  • Gas Panic

    Gas Panic

    This is the first time and last time you’ll see me talking about gas prices, unless to tell you what some assclown did because of it.

    Now I’m sure this is going on all over the south tonight, but I specifically want to address the people of Charlotte, NC and the surrounding areas who rushed to the gas pumps today because of the downed pipelines in Louisiana…

    *ahem*

    You’re all a bunch of fucking idiots.

    You all panicked, thinking the area was going to run out of gas. So what do you do? You rush to the gas pumps to quicken the depletion. Did you ever think to conserve gas? How about driving less? Maybe not using your car’s air conditioner. No, you didn’t. You bought into the fucking hype. And I really wonder how many of you had an actual urgent need for gas and how many of you still had 3/4 of a tank.

    If Charlotte runs out of gas, it’s your fault.

    Assclowns.

  • The 2004 Trenchie Awards

    The 2004 Trenchie Awards

    It’s the post that I look forward to all year long. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 4th annual Trenchie awards. The best and worst of my year, as voted for by me. Let’s get right to it.

    Best Move I’ve Seen This Year:
    Veronica Guerin. This movie about an Irish journalist is assassinated by drug dealers she wrote about in a series of stories moved me in a way that I’ve never been moved before. I was first made aware of the story by the song “Veronica Guerin” off the Savatage album “Wake of Magellan”. If you get a chance, check out both the movie and the CD.

    Worst Movie I’ve Seen This Year:
    There were a plethora of movies to choose from this year. There was the unspeakable 13th Child, which was supposed to be a horror movie about the legend of the Jersey Devil. I don’t know what that crap was, though.

    Then there was the British indie flick Blood about a girl who was genetically altered to have narcotic blood.

    But the winner/loser has to be Elephant. This movie about a Columbine-like school shooting has to be the most boring piece of crap I’ve ever seen. The critics creamed their jeans over this movie, calling its writer/director Gus Van Sant a genius. As usual, the critics are on crack. It was like having a tooth drilled with no Novocaine for 81 minutes.

    Best Album of the Year:
    This was tough. It was a pretty good year for music. There was Master of the Moon by the metal god that is Dio. There was also Inner Circle by Evergrey. However, this year’s winner took the title early and never let go. It was The Glorious Burden by Iced Earth. Their first album with new vocalist and one-time Judas Priest frontman Tim “Ripper” Owens. A themed album that dealt mostly with the history of war. This album is the definition of metal.

    Worst Album of the Year:
    The Neon God Part 1: The Rise by W.A.S.P. The first part of a concept album released by the lesser of the metal gods Blackie Lawless. While I am a huge fan of the first W.A.S.P. concept album The Crimson Idol, this one just doesn’t even come close. Made me not want to pick up Vol 2.

    Best TV Show of the Year:
    The winner and new champion is House, the medical drama on Fox. It knocked 24 out of the top spot, since season 3 of 24 was all over the map in terms of storyline. House is about a doctor who solves patients diagnoses that other doctors can’t discern. Did I mention that he hates people? My kind of doctor.

    Worst TV Show of the Year:
    I have to give dishonorable mention to The 4400. The concept of that show started out great about 4400 people who were returned to earth after being abducted by aliens through the past 7 decades and returning with no knowledge of them being gone or having aged a day. Then they all started getting SUPERPOWERS. I stopped watching at that point. But the winner/loser has to go to Stephen King’s Kingdom Hospital. This show was so painful to watch. Stephen King should just stick to books.

    Best Wrestling Moment of the Year:
    Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit winning their respective world titles at WrestleMania XX. It showed that popular world champions don’t have to be big, juiced out freaks. Sadly, from what I hear, we’re getting more huge juiced out freaks in the future from Vinny Mac.

    Worst Wrestling Moment of the Year: Apparently the WWE is very tightfisted about allowing people to post pics on the web. Bastards. Anyway, it has to be the Lita/Kane pregnancy angle. Not only was this possibly the worst storyline ever, it may also go down in history as the most offensive. Plus, it’s the angle that put old moon face himself Gene Snitsky on our TVs. That should be reason enough right there.

    Best Video Game of the Year:
    I know what you’re saying. What about Halo? What about San Andreas? I have one word for you. Baaaaaaaaaa. Front Mission 4 from Square-Enix was the most engrossing and addictive game I played all year. It’s a turn-based tactics style game where you battle evil in giant robots armed with giant machine guns, shotguns, and missiles.

    Honorable mention has to go to Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne. A groundbreaking RPG. Instead of saving the world, the world has already been destroyed and you have to survive. My only complaint is that some of the levels are long and boring.

    Worst Video Game of the Year:
    Samurai Warriors by Koei. While Little Jay and I are big fans of the hack and slash Dynasty Warrior series, Samurai Warriors didn’t live up to its predecessors. The incredibly lousy camera angles totally ruined any chance of decent gameplay.

    Best Movie Line of the Year:
    From The Boondock Saints when Rocco fondles the passed out strippers breast. Connor MacManus says”What the fuck are you doing?” Rocco screams, “I’ll tip her”. I’m not doing it justice. See the movie.

    Biggest Dumbass of the Year:
    Bruce Friedrich of PETA, who compared the chickens KFC uses to the time in our country when blacks were used as slaves.

    Most Inane Political Agenda of the Year:
    Remember the woman who refused to have a C-section and ended up killing one of her babies that we lovingly refer to as Scarzilla. Well, at the time of her court appearances pro-death organizations like NOW, NARAL and the ACLU were saying that the prosecutors’ attempt to charge her with murder was somehow a conspiracy against abortion rights.

    Biggest Jackass Celebrity of the Year: My wife gave me the idea for this one. Everyone’s favorite skank ho, Britney Spears. Two marriages, one over in less than 24 hours. The other to a no-name dancer with no prenup while his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child. Going into gas station bathrooms in bare feet. And the list goes on and on. You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.

    That’s it for this year, kids. Have a safe Amateur night.

  • A Special Trench Reynolds Thanksgiving

    A Special Trench Reynolds Thanksgiving

    If I could be serious for a moment.

    (Lights dim, soft piano music plays)

    We here at The Trench Reynolds Charity Foundation are always looking for ways to help better our community and our country, and this Thanksgiving should be no different. While many of us are scrambling at the last minute to try to get a turkey for our families and coming up empty-handed, I say that we should no longer terrorize the poor turkey.

    As we all know, the turkey would have been our national symbol if Ben Franklin had his way. That makes the turkey an also-ran. A runner-up. A loser. Not to mention that the turkey is a bird so stupid that it will drown if it looks up in a rainstorm. As Americans, is this how we want our holiday feasts to be looked at? Feasting on a sub-par, sub-intelligent, too stupid to live, ugly bird? No, of course not. We’re Americans, we’re all about being the best that we can be. We’re all about being #1. So why would we want to eat an also-ran bird? That’s why my friends I am imploring you as a proud American to start a new Thanksgiving tradition. A tradition where we feast on the noblest and proudest of all birds and PETA be damned…

    (more…)
  • The 2003 Trenchie Awards

    The 2003 Trenchie Awards

    To close out the year that sucked much ass, I bring you the 3rd annual Trenchie awards. Pickings were slim this year as I didn’t do a whole lot this year. So let’s get this over with.

    Best Move I’ve Seen This Year: Not a banner year for movies as I’m not a LOTR geek, but I’ll have to give it to 28 Days Later. A nice little twist on the zombie/apocalypse theme.

    Worst Movie I’ve Seen This Year: Highlander: Endgame. You do not kill Connor MacLeod. He is THE Highlander. Blasphemers.

    Best Album of the Year: Life is Killing Me by Type O Negative. I think that’s the best album title ever. Strong album too. A healthy mix of the previous 4 albums.

    Worst Album of the Year: Dance of Death by Iron Maiden. Lame title. Lame cover. Lame album. And I’m a huge Maiden fan. A big disappointment considering how much I liked Brave New World.

    Best TV Show of the Year: 24. Duh.

    Worst TV Show of the Year: The Simple Life. Reality shows suck in general, but does anyone really give a rats ass about these two skanks if their clothes are on?

    Best Wrestling Moment of the Year: When the ring collapsed after Brock Lesnar superplexed The Big Show. Total holy shit moment.

    Worst Wrestling Moment of the Year: When Kane attached jumper cables to Shane O Mac’s balls. I can only suspend my belief in reality for so much.

    Best Video Game of the Year: While other people were shooting up Vice City, I was destroying a major Japanese city in Robotic Alchemic Drive by Enix. I mean, what’s cooler than giant transforming robots destroying cities while they fight each other? It’s a hard game to find, so pick it up if you see it.

    Worst Video Game of the Year: Simpson’s Skateboarding. Another failed attempt in the long line of sucky Simpsons games. Tony Hawk, it ain’t.

    Best Movie Line of the Year: No winner this year. Nothing sticks out in my head as I write this, plus I didn’t see a whole lot of movies this year. Unless you count the beginning of 28 Days Later, when they were experimenting on the monkey and were making it watch violent television while keeping its eyes pried open. I turned to my wife and said…”Heh…Clockwork Banana.”

    Biggest Dumbass of the Year: War protesters. Get a job, you filthy hippies.

    Most Inane Political Agenda of the Year: After missing the mark in 2002 PETA is back in 2003 with PETA complaining that Arab terrorists were using donkeys to deliver suicide bombs. They didn’t care about the people being killed, just the donkeys.

    Biggest Jackass Celebrity of the Year: So many to choose from this year. With Natalie Maines and Jeneane Garafolo coming in a close second, but no one can even touch the jackassery that is Michael Moore. His offenses are too numerous to even try to list here.

    Happy New Year, everyone. I’m off to see the possum drop.

  • The Trench Reynolds Charity

    The Trench Reynolds Charity


    If I could get serious for a moment…

    (lights dim and soft music plays)

    My name is Trench Reynolds. And we here at The Trench Reynolds Internet Media Empire start thinking about giving during this time of the year. So we’ve come up with a program to help needy children.

    You see, thousands of inner-city youths do not have proper clothing for winter, nor do they have any training to learn a trade. That’s where we come in.

    For just a small donation of $50, you can send an underprivileged youth on an excursion to Alaska, where they will learn to club baby seals and skin them. They will also be given to know how to make their own coat out of the baby seal skin.

    For a donation of $100, they will be taken on a whaling excursion where they will harpoon their own whale or possibly dolphin.

    And if you become a golden double secret extra crispy member by donating $500, one special child will know the joys of throwing toy poodles into a chipper shredder.

    So please make all checks out to Club All Seals Heavily. Or just use the acronym CASH. So please give today because a live baby seal means a child is without a coat. Thank you.

    The preceding was brought to you by Politically Incorrect Sarcasm Serving Offended Frumpy Families (PISSOFF). Which means this is a joke and don’t send me any hate mail.

  • Spider-Man Song

    Spider-Man Song

    For a while, now, Little Jay and I have been making up these stupid little songs that crack us up, and I thought I would share one with you. This one is actually the first in a series. Every time we hear a phrase or occupation that ends with the suffix “man” we automatically start singing the Spider-Man theme song from the 60s cartoon with the new word in place of Spider-Man. Then a whole song stems out from it. I forget how this one exactly started. I don’t remember if we were watching the Iron Man triathlon, or listening to the Black Sabbath song Iron Man or if we were discussing the comic book character Iron Man, but we came up with this song…

    Iron Man
    Iron Man
    Does whatever an iron can
    Presses pants
    Any size
    Fixes buttons
    And some flies
    Look out
    Here comes the Iron Man

    Is he strong?
    Listen bud
    He’s got iron in his blood
    Take a look
    Overhead
    If he falls on you
    You’ll be dead
    Look out
    Here comes the Iron Man

    And that’s about as talented as we are. We never finish the whole song. Yet, we were pretty pleased with ourselves, though.

    Right now, we’re collaborating on Weather Man. Just need to fine tune some things and we’ll be ready to go. And you can’t use just any word either. The description has to function as a noun as well. For instance, you can’t say Aquaman, Aquaman, does whatever an Aqua can. That’s just stupid. If you have any ideas for the Spider-Man song or any songs of your own, let me know.

  • The 2002 Trenchie Awards.

    The 2002 Trenchie Awards.

    That’s right kids, it’s time for the 2nd Annual Trenchie Awards. The best and worst of my year, as voted for by me. Last year’s winners will be listed after each category.

    Best Movie of the Year: Gotta go with “The Ring”. It seriously creeped me out. It also might have had something to do with seeing it at a drive-through at night in Deliverance County. Honorable Mention: Red Dragon.
    (2001 Winner: Stigmata)

    Worst Movie of The Year: “Insomnia” wins hands down. Like I said on my message board this movie was so boring it should have been called “The Cure for Insomnia”
    (2001 Winner: American Psycho)

    Best Album of The Year: “Killing the Dragon” by Dio. Just as good as his early solo stuff. Honorable Mention: “Happenstance” by Fozzy.
    (2001 Winner: Horror Show by Iced Earth)

    Worst Album of The Year: Geoff Tate’s solo album. No offense Geoff but stick to Queensryche.
    (2001 Winner: Stronger than Death by Black Label Society)

    Best TV Show of The Year: “24” wins hands down. Either season.
    (2001 Winner: Murder in Small Town X)

    Worst TV Show of the Year: Scraping the bottom of the barrel for this one because it really wasn’t that bad a year for TV. But I gotta go with “Ultraman Tiga” on Fox Kids. When I heard a new Ultraman show was coming to the States I was psyched because I loved watching the original Ultraman when I was a kid. The new one just plain sucks. It’s still Japanese actors dubbed in English, but they made the dialogue into comedy, and it wasn’t funny at all.
    (2001 Winner: The Joan Cusack Show)

    Best Wrestling Moment/Match of the Year: Tommy Dreamer vs. Rob Van Dam to unify the Hardcore and Intercontinental titles. I was sad to see the HC title go, but I’m an old ECW fan from back in the day, and this was a great match that almost rose to ECW standards.
    (2001 Winner: Chris Jericho wins Undisputed Title)

    Worst Wrestling Moment/Match of the Year: Do I even need to say it?? Triple H getting it on with a “corpse” while disguised as Kane.
    (2001 Winner: Having to see Chris Jericho in a Speedo)

    Best Video Game of the Year: A late entrant this year but the winner is Suikoden III. I have been obsessed with this Japanese RPG since I got it. Final Fantasy X was really good, but it was a little easy.
    (2001 Winner: Twisted Metal Black)

    Worst Video Game of The Year: Way of the Samurai. Avoid this game at all cost.
    (2001 Winner: Simpson’s Wrestling)

    Best Movie Line of the Year: John Ratzenberger as The Abominable Snowman in “Monsters Inc.” “He made himself a diaper out of poison ivy, wore it on his head like a tiara and called himself King Itchy.”
    (2001 Winner: Lou Diamond Phillips in Bats. “Don’t tell me I’m up to my chest in bat shit.”)

    Biggest Dumbass of the Year: We have a repeat winner. For the second Year in a row is Charlotte radio station WXRC 95.7’s station Manager Dave Ligafelt. First, he changed the format from the only hard rock station in town to another classic rock station. This year he changed the format to 60s and 70s and called it “The Ride”. Thanks for disappointing metal fans for two years in a row.
    (2001 Winner: WXRC Station Manager Dave Ligafelt)

    Most Inane Political Agenda of the Year: We had a lot to choose from this year. But the winner has to be easily offended California Atheist possible communist Micheal Newdow. You remember him. He was the guy who said his daughter was offended by “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance and got it declared unconstitutional by the 9th Circuit Court. Turned out his daughter was a practicing Christian.
    (2001 Winner: (tie) PETA for trying to get the USC Gamecocks to change their name and a Pennsylvania judge for overturning Mumia Abu Jamal’s death sentence.)

    Biggest Jackass Celebrity of the Year: Sean Penn for being Mr. Pacifist all of a sudden and saying that violence is not the answer with Iraq. This from the guy who punches out photographers for fun.
    (2001 Winner: Rage Against the Machine)

    Don’t drink and drive tonight, and I’ll see you next year.

  • Happy Anniversary

    Happy Anniversary

    Tomorrow, September 28, in the year of our Lord 2002, marks the 5th anniversary of my website in some form or another. And since I don’t post on Saturdays right now, I’m going to celebrate today. It all started 5 years ago on a crappy little Tripod site that was started for me by a woman who called herself Sentira. She was the artist behind the original “TheTrenchcoat” picture. So Sentira if you’re out there somewhere reading this, thank you. And since that day I’ve been addicted to making and maintaining my websites.

    First, there was “The Lair of TheTrenchcoat” which also contained some of my (ugh)poetry. Then I started writing more, and I split the site in two and had The Lair plus “The Written Works of TheTrenchcoat” which were two completely different sites. Then Columbine happened, and I landed on the front page of the Washington comPost, so I decided to lie low. I changed the site to “Patrick Black: The Usual Suspect”. Then I changed it to “Suspect’s Symphony of Sychosis”. And eventually, I changed it to “The Written Works of the 13th Suspect”. After a while, I got tired of being a suspect and wanted to be a good guy again. So then I started “Patrick Black’s No Cure for Cancer” which for the first time featured a rant section. Then a friend of mine told me about Namezero which at the time was offering free top-level domain names. So I registered TheTrenchcoat.Org and split the sites up again into “The Written Works of TheTrenchcoat” and “The Gospel According to Vigilante 13”. Having 2 different names for the same persona didn’t last long, and I changed it to “The Gospel of TheTrenchcoat”. And those two stayed that way for a while. Then I tried my hand at a Real Audio music site called “Radio Free Trenchcoat” so now I had three separate sites. Then in April 2001, I signed up with Xanga and registered the domain name of thetrenchcoat.com. The idea was to have the Xanga site be a portal to my other three sites. That didn’t work out. So I combined “Gospel” and “Written” into “TheTrenchcoat Anthology” under thetrenchcoat.com and killed the music site. Then I found out how to host my own blog and added it to “The Anthology”. I made the blog the front page of the site, which is now what you see before you…”TheTrenchcoat Chronicles”. And in another year I’ll probably be calling it something else.

    And I’ve used several different web hosts as well. Tripod, Geocities, WBS/Go.com, Angelfire, Freeservers, 0catch, and V3 Space. And let me tell you, a paid host is the way to go.

  • The Names

    The Names

    Nothing really interested me in the news today…

    But this is from Fox News. A poem written by US poet laureate Billy Collins. I didn’t know we still had a poet laureate until today, either. Anyway, it’s called “The Names”.