TheTrenchcoat Chronicles

Category: Entertainment

  • Suikoden IV

    Suikoden IV

    One of the greatest pleasures in my life is when I get my hands on the latest installment of one of my favorite video game franchises. That happened this weekend when I picked up a copy of Suikoden IV.

    The Suikoden series is my second favorite series, only behind Final Fantasy. As a matter of fact, Suikoden II is my favorite video game of all time. That should tell you how great of a game it was. The fact that a copy of Suikoden II is going for upwards of $100 a pop on E-bay for a PSOne game should also tell you how good it was. Having said that, Suikoden IV was a little bit of a letdown.

    What Was Wrong: Suikoden IV was way too short. II took over 30 hours. III took over 40 hours. IV can legitimately be beaten in 20 hours. That’s too short for an RPG (Role Playing Game) for the PS2.

    In each of the Suikodens, the main goal is always to recruit 108 characters. Some are a little more challenging than others. The majority of the characters in IV were too easy to recruit. The majority of them, you just walk up to them and they join you.

    The cut scenes ended so abruptly it became an annoyance throughout the game. No fade to black, just END.

    The game takes place 100 years before the events of Suikoden I. If I didn’t look that up online, I would have never known. Nowhere in the game that I saw was that ever mentioned.

    They knocked down the members of your party from 6 to 4, which is ok, but if you’ve played previous Suikodens, you have to rethink your whole strategy now.

    In previous Suikodens, you could tell the combo moves just by putting the people in the same party. With IV, you have to guess which party members may have a combo move, then wait as they level up for their combo move to develop if they have one.

    Lastly and most importantly, there is no file transfer function. In Suikodens II and III, you could upload your saved game file from the previous game and unlock hidden parts of the game. No such feature in IV.

    Driving the ship in the game is very difficult at first. Like Game Informer magazine said, “it’s like driving a damp sweater”.

    IV was also too linear. III had diverging storylines with varying endings, which made for great replay value.

    Oh, and one last thing to the Konami developers. Please for the love of God, bring back the cooking mini-game. Suikoden fans know what I’m talking about.

    What Was Right: The graphics on IV are the best that have ever been on a Suikoden game. Very crisp and very fluid.

    The characters are more lifelike than they have been in previous Suikoden games.

    The nautical setting is one that I have not seen in an RPG, plus it makes me go around talking like a pirate, which annoys the wife. Finally, we have voiceovers in a Suikoden game.

    Lastly, having a massive ship as your expandable HQ was genius.

    Final Recommendation: At $40 only for the hardcore Suikoden fans. This should have been a $20 game.

  • Goodbye, Johnny

    Goodbye, Johnny

    Johnny Carson, late-night TV legend, dies at 79:

    Another one of the icons of my childhood passed away today. As we all know by now, Johnny Carson died today.

    When I was a kid, one of the biggest treats in the world was staying up late to watch The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. It meant either we didn’t have school the next day or we were getting away with staying up late.

    Not to mention, one of the funniest jokes I ever heard was from Johnny Carson. He was doing his Carnac bit and the answer was “Sis Boom Bah”. The question was, “What sound does a sheep make when it explodes?” I don’t think I ever laughed that hard in my entire life.

    My prayers and condolences go out to his family and friends.

  • The Guilty will be punished

    The Guilty will be punished

    Excuse me while I let my inner geek come out. Last night I watched the DVD of The Punisher. The reason I watched it was because I used to be a huge fan of The Punisher in the comic books.

    The Punisher was one of the heroes that I based my screen name on. I used to own his first appearance ever in a 1970s issue of Spider-Man and the first issue of his own series from back in the late ’80s. And as usual, with most comic book to movie translations, this movie blew goats.

    As a matter of fact, I know I’m committing comic book and movie heresy by saying this, but I actually liked the 1989 movie version of The Punisher with Dolph Lundgren better. I’ll even admit that I even own the 1989 version, and I’ll defend it to anyone who says the new version is better. I’ll even do a side by side comparison to prove my point.

    What sucked about both movies:
    First off, NO JIGSAW!!!! How can you have a true Punisher movie without Jigsaw? It’s like having a Batman without The Joker or Superman without Lex Luthor. It just shouldn’t be done.

    Secondly, both movies screwed up the way his family was killed. Frank Castle was a Vietnam vet whose family was killed in Central Park in New York when they got caught in the crossfire between two organized crime families.

    In the first movie, Frank Castle was a cop whose family was killed by a car bomb set by the Mafia. In the recent movie, Frank Castle was an ex-FBI agent whose family was killed in Puerto Rico after an organized crime boss’ son was killed during a bust led by Castle. Neither of which was remotely even close.

    The Actors:
    First off, we have Dolph Lundgren. Not the greatest actor in the world, I know, but look at him. When I first saw him with the black hair and leather jacket, to me, he looked like Frank Castle. The only problem was, Dolph didn’t wear the skull.

    Then, on the other hand, you have the man with the woman’s name, Mr. Patricia Arquette, Tom Jane. He looks like a cross between Christopher Lambert and Oswald from the Drew Carey Show. That is not meant as a compliment. Plus, he looks like he weighs about 90 lbs. He may have better clothes than Dolph, but he is not Frank Castle.

    The Movie:
    The 1989 movie may have been over the top cheesy, but it was non-stop from start to finish. The new film dragged on and on and on.

    If you’re going to make a Punisher movie, it needs to have non-stop killing. They made the Punisher too human in the new flick. Sorry, but I like my Punisher to be an emotionless killing machine.

    The Punisher doesn’t cry. In the first movie, Dolph cauterizes his wounds with a glowing hot knife. Tom Jane has to have a little stab wound sewn shut by Rebecca Romijn.

    The new movie takes place in Tampa. The Punisher is not from Florida, of all places.

    The Villain names were lame at best. Howard Saint? What kind of name is that without some kind of “saintly” gimmick to back it up. While it was one of the few characters in the new Punisher, I liked, what kind of name is Harry Heck?

    So, then you need someone big and mean who can take out The Punisher so you get wrestler Kevin Nash, shave his beard, give him a bleach blonde haircut, put him in a red and white striped shirt that makes him look like he should be in the French navy, and you call him “The Russian”? The original rumor was that Kevin Nash was going to play Tombstone, which would have been a lot cooler even though Tombstone was more of a Spider-Man villain.

    Granted that Dolph only fought generic Yakuza and Mafia types, but The Punisher didn’t always fight the super villains. He also fought everyday scum.

    The Closing Lines:
    This pretty much sums up the entire argument for me.

    From the 2004 version: Those who do evil to others – the killers, the rapists, psychos, sadists – you will come to know me well. Frank Castle is dead. Call me The Punisher.

    Is that corny as hell or what? Now let me give you one of the greatest movie lines ever…

    From The 1989 Version: I still talk to God sometimes, I ask him if what I’m doing is right or wrong, I’m still waiting for an answer, and until I get one, I’ll be waiting, watching, THE GUILTY WILL BE PUNISHED!

    How fucking cool is that?

    So all you movie elitists can kiss my ass because to me, Dolph Lundgren is Frank Castle.

    Geek mode off.

  • The 2004 Trenchie Awards

    The 2004 Trenchie Awards

    It’s the post that I look forward to all year long. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 4th annual Trenchie awards. The best and worst of my year, as voted for by me. Let’s get right to it.

    Best Move I’ve Seen This Year:
    Veronica Guerin. This movie about an Irish journalist is assassinated by drug dealers she wrote about in a series of stories moved me in a way that I’ve never been moved before. I was first made aware of the story by the song “Veronica Guerin” off the Savatage album “Wake of Magellan”. If you get a chance, check out both the movie and the CD.

    Worst Movie I’ve Seen This Year:
    There were a plethora of movies to choose from this year. There was the unspeakable 13th Child, which was supposed to be a horror movie about the legend of the Jersey Devil. I don’t know what that crap was, though.

    Then there was the British indie flick Blood about a girl who was genetically altered to have narcotic blood.

    But the winner/loser has to be Elephant. This movie about a Columbine-like school shooting has to be the most boring piece of crap I’ve ever seen. The critics creamed their jeans over this movie, calling its writer/director Gus Van Sant a genius. As usual, the critics are on crack. It was like having a tooth drilled with no Novocaine for 81 minutes.

    Best Album of the Year:
    This was tough. It was a pretty good year for music. There was Master of the Moon by the metal god that is Dio. There was also Inner Circle by Evergrey. However, this year’s winner took the title early and never let go. It was The Glorious Burden by Iced Earth. Their first album with new vocalist and one-time Judas Priest frontman Tim “Ripper” Owens. A themed album that dealt mostly with the history of war. This album is the definition of metal.

    Worst Album of the Year:
    The Neon God Part 1: The Rise by W.A.S.P. The first part of a concept album released by the lesser of the metal gods Blackie Lawless. While I am a huge fan of the first W.A.S.P. concept album The Crimson Idol, this one just doesn’t even come close. Made me not want to pick up Vol 2.

    Best TV Show of the Year:
    The winner and new champion is House, the medical drama on Fox. It knocked 24 out of the top spot, since season 3 of 24 was all over the map in terms of storyline. House is about a doctor who solves patients diagnoses that other doctors can’t discern. Did I mention that he hates people? My kind of doctor.

    Worst TV Show of the Year:
    I have to give dishonorable mention to The 4400. The concept of that show started out great about 4400 people who were returned to earth after being abducted by aliens through the past 7 decades and returning with no knowledge of them being gone or having aged a day. Then they all started getting SUPERPOWERS. I stopped watching at that point. But the winner/loser has to go to Stephen King’s Kingdom Hospital. This show was so painful to watch. Stephen King should just stick to books.

    Best Wrestling Moment of the Year:
    Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit winning their respective world titles at WrestleMania XX. It showed that popular world champions don’t have to be big, juiced out freaks. Sadly, from what I hear, we’re getting more huge juiced out freaks in the future from Vinny Mac.

    Worst Wrestling Moment of the Year: Apparently the WWE is very tightfisted about allowing people to post pics on the web. Bastards. Anyway, it has to be the Lita/Kane pregnancy angle. Not only was this possibly the worst storyline ever, it may also go down in history as the most offensive. Plus, it’s the angle that put old moon face himself Gene Snitsky on our TVs. That should be reason enough right there.

    Best Video Game of the Year:
    I know what you’re saying. What about Halo? What about San Andreas? I have one word for you. Baaaaaaaaaa. Front Mission 4 from Square-Enix was the most engrossing and addictive game I played all year. It’s a turn-based tactics style game where you battle evil in giant robots armed with giant machine guns, shotguns, and missiles.

    Honorable mention has to go to Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne. A groundbreaking RPG. Instead of saving the world, the world has already been destroyed and you have to survive. My only complaint is that some of the levels are long and boring.

    Worst Video Game of the Year:
    Samurai Warriors by Koei. While Little Jay and I are big fans of the hack and slash Dynasty Warrior series, Samurai Warriors didn’t live up to its predecessors. The incredibly lousy camera angles totally ruined any chance of decent gameplay.

    Best Movie Line of the Year:
    From The Boondock Saints when Rocco fondles the passed out strippers breast. Connor MacManus says”What the fuck are you doing?” Rocco screams, “I’ll tip her”. I’m not doing it justice. See the movie.

    Biggest Dumbass of the Year:
    Bruce Friedrich of PETA, who compared the chickens KFC uses to the time in our country when blacks were used as slaves.

    Most Inane Political Agenda of the Year:
    Remember the woman who refused to have a C-section and ended up killing one of her babies that we lovingly refer to as Scarzilla. Well, at the time of her court appearances pro-death organizations like NOW, NARAL and the ACLU were saying that the prosecutors’ attempt to charge her with murder was somehow a conspiracy against abortion rights.

    Biggest Jackass Celebrity of the Year: My wife gave me the idea for this one. Everyone’s favorite skank ho, Britney Spears. Two marriages, one over in less than 24 hours. The other to a no-name dancer with no prenup while his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child. Going into gas station bathrooms in bare feet. And the list goes on and on. You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.

    That’s it for this year, kids. Have a safe Amateur night.

  • GTA: Grand Theft Apprehension

    GTA: Grand Theft Apprehension

    ABC13.com: Robbers scared off by Playstation game get jail time:

    Last March, four would be burglars broke into a house where there were some kids playing GTA at the time. When they heard the police in the game say, “Stop, we have you surrounded. This is the police.”, they thought it was the actual police and fled. The four men were arrested. Two are serving time, one got probation and the fourth is awaiting trial.

    All of you busybodies are wrong about this game. It doesn’t cause violence, it saves lives.

  • Violent Video Games 2004

    Violent Video Games 2004

    How gory is that game?:

    Just in time for the fucking holidays, we get yet another “why won’t someone think about the children?” group who has their panties in a wad over violent video games.

    Of course, they’re naming the usual suspects of GTA: San Andreas, Halo 2, Doom 3 and Half-Life 2. All pretty violent games. All games that are Rated M you dumbasses. It’s the video game equivalent of an “R” rating.

    You can blame the game companies for making such games. You can even blame the game retailers for being lax in their enforcement of the ratings. But here’s a thought, how about laying blame on THE PARENTS who buy these games for their kids.

    The rating is clearly marked on the packaging, and it even states why the games received that rating. The fact that “parents” keep buying these games for their underage kids means one of two things. They’re either oblivious to the ratings or they just don’t care.

  • Hey kids…

    Hey kids…

    It’s The JFK Assassination video game. Remember kids, when you play “JFK Reloaded” it’s best to tilt your joysticks back and to the left.

  • Grand Theft Assclown III

    Grand Theft Assclown III

    US lawyer links video game to murder plot:

    I’ve been telling you lately about the school attack plot that was uncovered in Massachusetts. Well, from out of left field comes Miami ambulance chaser, Jack Thompson. He believes that the video game Grand Theft Auto influenced Tobin Kerns into wanting to shoot up his school.

    This isn’t the first time that Jack Thompson has said this. Last year he sued the makers of GTA because of two idiot teenagers that shot at some cars on a Tennessee highway. Never mind that the parents of all kids involved let them play a game that is obviously meant for more mature audiences. That “M” on the box actually means something.

    Anyway, this is a ludicrous statement at best. In Tennessee, the parents left their guns unlocked. In Mass. the parents didn’t keep a close enough eye on their kid. A video game is not to blame. Personally, it sounds like to me that Jack Thompson either A. can’t beat the game so he’s decided to sue, or B. much like in real life, he can’t figure out how to get the hookers to get into his car with him.

    If any lawsuit against Rockstar Games is ever successful, it’s another deathblow to personal responsibility. And I don’t think it could take anymore.

  • Big Brother Joe is watching you

    Big Brother Joe is watching you

    My bone of contention today is from my favorite Senator from Connecticut, Joe Lieberman. He has co-authored a bill with a $90 Million price tag that will try to figure out whether kids’ favorite TV shows, movies, and video games are actually bad for their health.

    There’s a good use of taxpayer money, huh? Even Lieberman’s own censorship squad, the Parents Television Council, say this is a bad idea. How about this Joe? Why not do a study on why people stopped parenting their kids. Joe even admits as much…

    Lieberman says parents need to play a more active role in what their kids are watching.

    “You can’t put it all off on the entertainment industry,” he said.

    Then what is the point of this bill? If it’s so obvious, then why do you need $90 Million? Lieberman has very pro-censorship leanings. I feel like this is his way of trying to disguise a “well-meaning” program that’s actually an Orwellian dream for him.

  • Redneck Monday

    Redneck Monday

    I just love theme days.

    South Caldwell students can wear attire that includes rebel flag:

    A local high school banned attire that contained the confederate flag. Well, all the rednecks were so up in arms about it, they repealed the ban. As usual, the excuse they give is they want to celebrate their southern heritage. I saw this on a local news channel too. You should have seen the people who were wearing these t-shirts. Trailer park trash, every last one of them. So not only is the confederate flag the flag of racists, rednecks, and losers, it’s now officially the flag of white trash everywhere. Wear it with pride. This is why people from every other part of the country think everyone from the south is a toothless, illiterate bumpkin.

    STEVE AUSTIN INVOLVED IN ANOTHER DOMESTIC SPAT:

    According to PWInsider.com Stone Cold has been involved in another domestic dispute. This time by pushing down his current girlfriend, injuring her hands and knees. You can also check it out at The Smoking Gun. The WWE should not put him on TV for a while. The first time this happened, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but now it’s obvious he has a problem. So personally, I think the WWE should fire his ass on the spot. I have no tolerance for women beaters. It just shows how much of white trash pussy he is. And go figure, his new t-shirt being sold by the WWE has a confederate flag on it. There’s another one to be proud of.